Blugh..

Bad day yesterday.. well started off ok, i decided to have a mini halloween day for the kids.. dressups, treasure hunt for lollies, scary kids movie. The ex came up to visit the girls and we got along fine for theday, playing with th ekids but when he went to leave i started to cry. Today he goes to fiji for a week with her. Ive been dreading this week for months, and its gonna be a tough week to get through. May sound silly .. but its because when we used to travel together those times, are some of my happiest memories in life. I loved it. And when i went to bali recently wiht a friend the whole time, i missed him and was wishing i was sharing it with him. Its not fair that him and her get to have all this fun, andhave such a free, happy life with all that they wanted.. and eveerything for me has gotten so much worse. Why did they get to win. :(

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#5 The year of Evie

My beautiful baby girl.. my saving grace as i call her.( her middle name is grace). When my ex had the affair and left me, sometimes id think i shouldnt be pregnant, this is going to be hard, how can i handle another child.. etc etc. I was wrong. Thank thank thank god, i was pregnant at the time of the affair and him leaving me. It helped keep me that little bit calmer or do anything silly as i was carrying her. Having her keep me busy all day, up all night, make me smile with her cuteness when i think i couldnt possibly smile that day. SHe has been a amazing beautiful distraction this past year. All my kids have but her especially. Everything happens for a reason, and i fell pregnant with her, for her to be my saving grace.. She really did save me, i cant explain enough how much she has. 

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#4 Bella and Dylans birthdays

My daughter bella turned 5 and my son Dylan turned 8.. seeing as i have up braydens video from march ill put up the ones i did for bella and dylans bdays:)

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

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#3 Weight loss

Since i had my youngest evie, nearly a year ago, i have lost 30 kilos. Although past few weeks i have put on 2 kilos! I would love to say its from exercise and a healthy diet..Its not. Its from sadness, stress, nausea, being busy with the kids, not having the money for takeaway and junk like i once used to, and of course the weight loss that comes naturally after having a baby.  I still have a few kilos i need to lose to reach my goal, and i really really need to start working out and tone. After 4 kids ...its aint pretty:) I would love to buy myself a new wardrobe to celebrate.. but thats not a option.. I have sold some of my bigger clothes for some extra money though:) The past few days i have been starting to work out, as i would love to change my shape a little.. my butt is no flat :-/ and i really need to tone my stomach and arms. I will no doubt update with my progress:)

This makes me smile...as its SO me..:)

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#2      Bali

I went on a trip to bali a few months ago with a friend who was planning her wedding.. the flight was a gift from my brother.. so grateful :) My first time there and my second time overseas. I felt a bit emotional going over, not having my usual travel partner, and when seeing sights wishing i could share it with him.. I missed my bubba girl also, and the other kids of course! I was only there for 3 days, and didnt see alot, so will have to go back again one day:)

Did alot of this...

which resulted in this..

ALot of very friendly faces who loved having their picture taken:)

Tried alot of new foods...

(I got bali belly once i returned home, no idea if it was from too much trying of new foods or not..;))

I got this done even though i really really didnt want to and HATED it!!

And of course did plenty of this..

Did i mention i NEED another holiday...hopefully i can find a way to get away one day soon:)

What ive been up to this year...

#1   Sweet tooth

I started up my own little side business this year.. mainly so far its just been for friends and family.. but im finally starting to get some "customers"

http://www.facebook.com/sweeeettooth?fref=ts

I do choc and/or lolly buffets for any sort of events.. Im only just getting started so be kind! But its something fun and hopefully bring in a little bit of moolah to help out the bills:)

This was a baby shower i did the other week..

Anyway thats one thing keeping my occupied lately.. hopefully i have more and more of them to do in the future!:)

Im back...

Hey...im back...:)

To say its been a rough year... is a understatement:)  Unfortunatly the sadness, anger,bitterness i have previously spoke of... i still carry:( Its been a very difficult thing to let go of and i have been trying all i can to help do that.

Do i disconnect myself from him, or continue being "friends" .. I have gone back and forth on that all year long.. some days we get along fabulously.. some days i get mad at him for no reason. Sometimes he gives me a reason! Currently he visits the children here at the house, while he waits for his own place. That has been good and bad. Good as i get to see my kids dad interact with the kids, see them happy and play.. makes my heart swell:) It also gives me company, and we can have fun watching some of our old fave shows, talking about our lives( although avoiding info about his girlfriend :-/) But when it comes time for him to leave.. it breaks my heart every time. Reminds me that thats right.. this isnt his home anymore and hes going back to his home and that girl. I get upset every time and it takes me awhile to calm down. But when hes not around.. i feel so empty.. the only time i feel any sort of comfort is when he is here.. so its been a hard thing for me to let go of. But as of last night he apparently has his own home with her now, and the girls there own room. So in a few weeks he will start taking them and no longer do the visits here:( this has made me very sad.. and nauseous..Its our daughters 1st Bday in a few weeks also.. it makes me melancholy thinking of how hard the pregnancy was this time last year, when the ex left. ANd how much of her first year he has missed. And how much i have missed really being in this fog of depression. ANd then christmas.... blugh.... i still have no idea how i am affording it this year, money has been beyond tight and a weekly struggle. And it used to be my favourite time of year, but now not having that person by my side sharing and watching the kids excitement.. its just not the same.

Anyway... im hoping venting again on here may help relieve some sadness?? one can only hope...:)