Hey...im back...:)
To say its been a rough year... is a understatement:) Unfortunatly the sadness, anger,bitterness i have previously spoke of... i still carry:( Its been a very difficult thing to let go of and i have been trying all i can to help do that.
Do i disconnect myself from him, or continue being "friends" .. I have gone back and forth on that all year long.. some days we get along fabulously.. some days i get mad at him for no reason. Sometimes he gives me a reason! Currently he visits the children here at the house, while he waits for his own place. That has been good and bad. Good as i get to see my kids dad interact with the kids, see them happy and play.. makes my heart swell:) It also gives me company, and we can have fun watching some of our old fave shows, talking about our lives( although avoiding info about his girlfriend :-/) But when it comes time for him to leave.. it breaks my heart every time. Reminds me that thats right.. this isnt his home anymore and hes going back to his home and that girl. I get upset every time and it takes me awhile to calm down. But when hes not around.. i feel so empty.. the only time i feel any sort of comfort is when he is here.. so its been a hard thing for me to let go of. But as of last night he apparently has his own home with her now, and the girls there own room. So in a few weeks he will start taking them and no longer do the visits here:( this has made me very sad.. and nauseous..Its our daughters 1st Bday in a few weeks also.. it makes me melancholy thinking of how hard the pregnancy was this time last year, when the ex left. ANd how much of her first year he has missed. And how much i have missed really being in this fog of depression. ANd then christmas.... blugh.... i still have no idea how i am affording it this year, money has been beyond tight and a weekly struggle. And it used to be my favourite time of year, but now not having that person by my side sharing and watching the kids excitement.. its just not the same.
Anyway... im hoping venting again on here may help relieve some sadness?? one can only hope...:)
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