I completely changed when he came along i had been a depressed, morbid, selfish sook and as soon as he was born.. It became all about him:) me and my ex husband got married, and shortly after i had my second child, another son, called dylan
He was a sick baby, i got postnatal depression and once i was coming out of that fog.. i fell in love with someone else:( well i thought it was love!.. See my ex husband was very abusive. never to the children.. only to me. I put up with it, as he was a good dad, i was scared to be alone and from issues i had from childhood felt i deserved no better. One day along came a guy who told me i didnt deserve that.. he stood up for me to my ex husband.. and made me feel special which i hadnt ever really had. When dylan was 5 mths old i got the courage to leave my ex husband..It was a very hard thing to do as he would threaten me, i left with no furniture or money, and the boys missed their dad:( I then spent the next 18mths alone. I would try to date but my ex would scare everyone off. I only had one friend as most had gone on my ex husbands side. I had so much hope that one day i would meet someone who would treat me well and fall in love with my boys. ONe day i got chatting on myspace to a guy, we spoke for months but he lived in melbourne so never thought we would meet.. he was just a sounding board for me..then one day i went to see my cousin in melb.. met up with him.. and fell in love. For six months we flew back and forth to each other then one day he called me said im quitting my job and coming up to you. We moved in together and things were wonderful for awhile. I then fell pregnant to my third child, my daughter Isabella
While i was pregnant i would ask my partner to do things for me to help out.. cook for boys, help me with housework and so forth. He didnt want to as he felt that was all "my job". One night i had terrible agonising pains and knew something was wrong, i asked my partner to call a ambulance he wouldnt as he felt i was overreacting( in his defence i had always been a person who would have some sort of aches or pains or another) anyway he eventually took me and bella was born 6 weeks early due to scar rupture. SHe spent 6 weeks in hospital and that was a very stressful time, spending all day up the hospital hardly seeing my boys.. my partner would come with me some of the time but wouldnt stay all day like me.. WHen bella finally came home she caught a few sicknesses and barely slept, to say the household was stressful would be a understatement. One day when my partner had left for work i was on the computer and came across a email he had sent to my best friend. They were sleeping together:( I confronted him and silly me thought for some reason i could say.. dont u ever see her again etc.. but it didnt go that way. He said he loved her and kicked me out. I called my father to come get me and the kids and i went back to my home town and moved back in with my parents:( That was a very hard time .. over the next few months my partner started coming back to me. Had gotten sick of my best friend, missed me and the kids, was very remorseful. Over the next six months i got my own place and car and started re buying myself furniture.. again!..and we started working things out. After those six months he moved back in. Things were good over the next few years, not perfect as we always had some issues, but i loved him and our little family.Fast forward a couple of years and we start talking getting married .. hes not super into it as hes never seen the big deal on marriage but started saying he would do it for me and the kids. We bought a ring together and i was waiting for the proposal. This time last year i fell pregnant with my fourth child, it was one year earlier than we had planned but we both wanted this fourth and last child. A few months into my pregnancy my partner started getting distant. He had gotten a new job with young people, it was in a different town, and he started to go out alot. It then led to him staying down there some nights, being secretive with his phone etc. One morning i saw he had been talking to a girl and he said to her that he had never loved me:( while i knew at times we had issues, i never thought that was the case. He had always said he loved me. From then on there was a lot of fighting, him saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore.. eventually it led to him saying he wanted out. He swore there was noone else. Being pregnant.. and too my fourth.. and this being the second time i would have to go through a big break up like this.. and to my kids.. i was so heartbroken. One day about 2 weeks beforei was due to have my baby he confessed he was in love with another girl, and they had been together the past 6 mths. I was a absoloute mess .. losing someone i loved, the betrayal of cheating again, feeling so bad for the children. My daughter bella was missing her dad alot, i was stressing about this baby not knowing him as he wouldnt be around much..So 2 weeks later i had my fourth and last child Evie
The day we were to bring her home, my ex parter told me that the girl he loved had cheated on him and it was over. He was a MESS, talking about wanting to die, feeling so terrible for what he did to me and the kids, he didnt eat anything for days. I felt for him as i loved him and couldnt help myself. I helped him through that rough time, i put aside my baby blues feelings, my own feelings on the cheating, i was having breastfeeding issues and recovering from a csection. I did it caus i loved him and he was the father of my girls, and no matter what he has done i know he is a good person.. who has done bad things to me. Eventually we started talking about getting back together and seeing if we could work through it. One of the reasons i agreed was for the girls .. and i had no idea how i would do 4 children alone. Things were good for a little while then he started back up with going out. Talking with girls online( apparently just friends?!?!) and i started to pick at him alot. I felt he wasnt doing enough to help us.. he was stressing me out making me worry...and then when evie was 3 mths.. he decided he had had enough and was leaving. I was so mad, disappointed, sad, betrayed. I felt he should of given it more time, put more effort in, not mucked the kids around so much in a short period. Anyway so now im up to date. He is staying at a friends while he saves for a new place. Its now been nearly 2 weeks ive been alone here with the kids. Im struggling emotionally, financially, physically. Im finding it so hard to keep up with all the kids and give them individual time. Evie is a difficult bub, bella is acting out because of all the change she has been through in past few months, starting school moving house dad leaving evie being born..dylan is being bullied at school and brayden has aspergers and as he reaches puberty the anger side to it is getting worse.I also have a broken heart, my trust in guys has been shattered. I feel so sad that im about to turn 31 and am all alone with 4 children. Who will ever want me with the baggage i have? All iever wanted in life was this family.. a mum a dad the kids.. spoil them with what i couldnt have growing up..So thats whats been going on with me.. well some of it anyway! Ill be coming here to let out my daily ...whatever! maybe sometimes it will be the happy moments, the hard moments.. a vent .. anything. If i dont let out all these things going through my head ill explode! For whoeever read through that essay.. Thank you!!! Im sure it was all rambles and full of spelling mistakes but thats how i roll!! :) xo
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