Blugh..

Bad day yesterday.. well started off ok, i decided to have a mini halloween day for the kids.. dressups, treasure hunt for lollies, scary kids movie. The ex came up to visit the girls and we got along fine for theday, playing with th ekids but when he went to leave i started to cry. Today he goes to fiji for a week with her. Ive been dreading this week for months, and its gonna be a tough week to get through. May sound silly .. but its because when we used to travel together those times, are some of my happiest memories in life. I loved it. And when i went to bali recently wiht a friend the whole time, i missed him and was wishing i was sharing it with him. Its not fair that him and her get to have all this fun, andhave such a free, happy life with all that they wanted.. and eveerything for me has gotten so much worse. Why did they get to win. :(

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#5 The year of Evie

My beautiful baby girl.. my saving grace as i call her.( her middle name is grace). When my ex had the affair and left me, sometimes id think i shouldnt be pregnant, this is going to be hard, how can i handle another child.. etc etc. I was wrong. Thank thank thank god, i was pregnant at the time of the affair and him leaving me. It helped keep me that little bit calmer or do anything silly as i was carrying her. Having her keep me busy all day, up all night, make me smile with her cuteness when i think i couldnt possibly smile that day. SHe has been a amazing beautiful distraction this past year. All my kids have but her especially. Everything happens for a reason, and i fell pregnant with her, for her to be my saving grace.. She really did save me, i cant explain enough how much she has. 

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#4 Bella and Dylans birthdays

My daughter bella turned 5 and my son Dylan turned 8.. seeing as i have up braydens video from march ill put up the ones i did for bella and dylans bdays:)

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#3 Weight loss

Since i had my youngest evie, nearly a year ago, i have lost 30 kilos. Although past few weeks i have put on 2 kilos! I would love to say its from exercise and a healthy diet..Its not. Its from sadness, stress, nausea, being busy with the kids, not having the money for takeaway and junk like i once used to, and of course the weight loss that comes naturally after having a baby.  I still have a few kilos i need to lose to reach my goal, and i really really need to start working out and tone. After 4 kids ...its aint pretty:) I would love to buy myself a new wardrobe to celebrate.. but thats not a option.. I have sold some of my bigger clothes for some extra money though:) The past few days i have been starting to work out, as i would love to change my shape a little.. my butt is no flat :-/ and i really need to tone my stomach and arms. I will no doubt update with my progress:)

This makes me smile...as its SO me..:)

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#2      Bali

I went on a trip to bali a few months ago with a friend who was planning her wedding.. the flight was a gift from my brother.. so grateful :) My first time there and my second time overseas. I felt a bit emotional going over, not having my usual travel partner, and when seeing sights wishing i could share it with him.. I missed my bubba girl also, and the other kids of course! I was only there for 3 days, and didnt see alot, so will have to go back again one day:)

Did alot of this...

which resulted in this..

ALot of very friendly faces who loved having their picture taken:)

Tried alot of new foods...

(I got bali belly once i returned home, no idea if it was from too much trying of new foods or not..;))

I got this done even though i really really didnt want to and HATED it!!

And of course did plenty of this..

Did i mention i NEED another holiday...hopefully i can find a way to get away one day soon:)

What ive been up to this year...

#1   Sweet tooth

I started up my own little side business this year.. mainly so far its just been for friends and family.. but im finally starting to get some "customers"

http://www.facebook.com/sweeeettooth?fref=ts

I do choc and/or lolly buffets for any sort of events.. Im only just getting started so be kind! But its something fun and hopefully bring in a little bit of moolah to help out the bills:)

This was a baby shower i did the other week..

Anyway thats one thing keeping my occupied lately.. hopefully i have more and more of them to do in the future!:)

Im back...

Hey...im back...:)

To say its been a rough year... is a understatement:)  Unfortunatly the sadness, anger,bitterness i have previously spoke of... i still carry:( Its been a very difficult thing to let go of and i have been trying all i can to help do that.

Do i disconnect myself from him, or continue being "friends" .. I have gone back and forth on that all year long.. some days we get along fabulously.. some days i get mad at him for no reason. Sometimes he gives me a reason! Currently he visits the children here at the house, while he waits for his own place. That has been good and bad. Good as i get to see my kids dad interact with the kids, see them happy and play.. makes my heart swell:) It also gives me company, and we can have fun watching some of our old fave shows, talking about our lives( although avoiding info about his girlfriend :-/) But when it comes time for him to leave.. it breaks my heart every time. Reminds me that thats right.. this isnt his home anymore and hes going back to his home and that girl. I get upset every time and it takes me awhile to calm down. But when hes not around.. i feel so empty.. the only time i feel any sort of comfort is when he is here.. so its been a hard thing for me to let go of. But as of last night he apparently has his own home with her now, and the girls there own room. So in a few weeks he will start taking them and no longer do the visits here:( this has made me very sad.. and nauseous..Its our daughters 1st Bday in a few weeks also.. it makes me melancholy thinking of how hard the pregnancy was this time last year, when the ex left. ANd how much of her first year he has missed. And how much i have missed really being in this fog of depression. ANd then christmas.... blugh.... i still have no idea how i am affording it this year, money has been beyond tight and a weekly struggle. And it used to be my favourite time of year, but now not having that person by my side sharing and watching the kids excitement.. its just not the same.

Anyway... im hoping venting again on here may help relieve some sadness?? one can only hope...:) 

Over my dead body

I will never let my children around the homewrecker. I will do everything in my power to keep them away.. That girl is disgusting.

what a loooong day

Today we have just been sitting around the house.. its flooding where i am so kids are home from school.. its been very boring .. but also chaos with 4 kids.. ! yes it can be both:)
Anyway because of the recent happenings with my ex and being so hurt by him, i havent wanted to speak to him.. but in saying that.. trying to go a whole day without texting.. is so hard! Im so used to any time the girls do something cute telling him, or if something interesting happens here, telling him..plus sometimes i get a overwhelming feeling of hurt or anger and want to have a go/sook at him. I hate this all so much...:(

Been a bit quiet..

No posts in a couple of days.. just too depressed to write anything:( Ill b ok for a minute then the next minute i think of him with her and i wanna throw up. I wish i had one of those memory eraser things from the men in black movies, so i can forget all about him. :(

Even more devastated..

:(:(:( today i found out that my ex leaving me again wasnt for the reasons said but caus he went back to the girl he cheated on me with.  There in love blah blah blah blah.. There is no way in hell i will be letting my girls around that skank. Im so devasted.. feel so sick at the thought of them being together.. no idea how ill sleep.. or even anything.  When will all this pain and heartbreak stop?:(

Happy 11th birthday Brayden

Today is my first born son Braydens birthday.. I love this boy to pieces.. he has the warmest heart.. and is mummys special boy. He has aspergers and i used to worry about what the future might have in store for him... i dont have to worry. He is so kind and thoughtful .. im sure good things are destined for him:) Love u Bray xx

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Sad...

Feeling sad as tomorrows my sons birthday and I don't have either his father or stepfather to share it with anymore:(. No one to look to and smile as he opens his pressies.. No one to come in his room with me and wake him up and sing happy birthday.. All of that stuff...

Need a boost..

Im still feeling so blah.. this nausea is shocking.. and im so tired of being miserable and moping around. I try and brush it off and think of something else then ill see something that will remind me of the ex and the nausea hits again.. He came up last night to see the kids and i broke down with him. He wasnt very caring about it as he hates when hes made to feel guilty(grr) but also i started off all wrong.. i was giving him attitude with things and pissing him off to start with.. and then broke down so he was already sick of me when it started. Im just so stressed every part of my life is hard. The kids r driving me bonkers, finances are bad, im still holding on to my baby weight which is yuk, friends and family are irritating me.. im missing the ex. I need something to give me a little boost.. something to look forward to? something to help me feel better? Im trying to think of some ways to make money from home.. have a few ideas rolling around in my head but ironically.. i need money to make money.. agh..

Leon

Today we picked up my big boys bday present a few days early... A kitten! He had a cat til a few months ago when it sadly died so he really wanted another. He is so good with cats.. So caring.. I've heard with aspergers ( which he has) kids they tend to b good with animals. He named him Leon after his best friend:) so the kids have been having fun with him this afternoon .. And I'm probably crazy for adding another thing to look after to the mix but ah well.. What makes kids happy makes me happy:)

Blugh..

Having a bad few days.. very teary and sad all the time.. feeling nauseous and chest pains.. I just miss him so much:( Im very lonely, the kids are really really hard..and he was my best friend so i miss having that person to talk to and share everything with and laugh with.. I cant even remember the last time i properly laughed. Everything reminds me of him and i cant stop thinking.. what if.. or remembering what we were doing this time last year.. Lots of things like that.. All i wanna do is lay in bed and cry and cry but i cant..caus of the kids.. I have told my parents about the split yet.. theyve only just recovered from the last time he left and will be so upset and worried when i tell them so im putting it off. Im waiting til all his stuff is moved out then will bite the bullet and tell them.. Yesterday when the kids were being difficult dad was saying  ****(my ex) needs to help u more etc etc.. little does he know thats not a option anymore:( Anyway.. blughhhhh.. deep breath.. fake smile on..

My babies

Made this little video last night to cheer me up when im feeling down:)

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mixed bag of a day!

This weekend was meant to be first weekend my ex had the kids.. he flaked on the sat night and sunday part.. then tried to get out of the friday night part.. but he ended up coming late friday night and agreed to get up to evie when she woke in the morning. She woke at 5 am and he did get up to her and i attempted to have my first sleep in since she has been born! Very hard to do when u can hear her crying.. but i slept on and off til 730. Was so nice to get up at that time, go and have a shower straight away.. instead of the usual stumbling around house at 5 am trying to wake and getting dressed later when the chaos has simmered down!  I then got ready to go out for the day and leave the kids with him. As i was getting ready to go my ex was acting all depressed and just saying how hard it is, and hes not cut out for looking after my babies etc. So of course i got worried and felt bad leaving..( not bad for him just bad for the kids) So i left in a depressed mood. I got to the shopping centre, got my nails done did some shopping and then went and saw a movie - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1606389/
The vow! Lovely movie.. although not good for me being newly single:)
Unfortunatly then i heard the news that my town was going to be hit by some flooding which would cut access from my town to my ex's town and so he wanted to head home before it did. So after movie i left straight away and raced home. The whole way home i was dreading getting there waiting for him to say the kids were naughty evie was crying yada yada yada.. But yayyyyyyyyyy he said they werent too bad today.. PHEW! He then raced off..and i was in a sad mood..as my day to myself got cut short and i spent alot of it worrying, was a bit depressed after watching a romantic movie.. and i went alone!:( And also caus i will miss him.. I miss that the weekends were my happy time when he would be home from work and we would have a nice family weekend..Instead my sunday will be spent like every day lately.. just sitting at home with the kids!
BLUGH...anyway! Heres my piccy of the day.. first i should mention i am OBSESSED with maccas coke! I dont have any other softdrink but this stuff i lurveeeeeeeeeeeee! I have to have one every day.. Its a running joke with my friends.. and the people at my local maccas all know me and my "usual" lol.. Quote for this piccy was
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!:)

Hope everyone has a great weekend x :)

Todays high and low.

LOW- having a fight with the ex this morning ... This weekend is his first official weekend with the kids.. He already cancelled on the saturday night part for a party.. and then this morning was trying to get out of tonight and just saying he would get them in the morning for the day.. id had my heart set on a sleep in for a change and also angry that his first weekend with them and he was already stuffing me around! So yes had a angry and teary morning!
 HIGH- No huge high but of course with 4 kids there was lots of little cute things they did today to make me smile:) Here is one just recently.. Bella enjoying a treat of a chocolate frappe and obviously shes been drinking it without the straw...:)(Ignore the wild haircut she took scissors to it just before she started prep this year :-/)

alone again

Ok so a quick run through on what has happened in my life..Ill start with- i met my exhusband at 19, i wasnt in love with him, i had been alone for a long time, had poor self confidence and was lonely and at the time he was kind and had a child he was wonderful to. I was pregnant fairly quick,and had my first child a son Brayden just before i turned 20.

I completely changed when he came along i had been a depressed, morbid, selfish sook and as soon as he was born.. It became all about him:) me and my ex husband got married, and shortly after i had my second child, another son, called dylan

He was a sick baby, i got postnatal depression and once i was coming out of that fog.. i fell in love with someone else:( well i thought it was love!.. See my ex husband was very abusive. never to the children.. only to me. I put up with it, as he was a good dad, i was scared to be alone and from issues i had from childhood felt i deserved no better. One day along came a guy who told me i didnt deserve that.. he stood up for me to my ex husband.. and made me feel special which i hadnt ever really had. When dylan was 5 mths old i got the courage to leave my ex husband..It was a very hard thing to do as he would threaten me, i left with no furniture or money, and the boys missed their dad:( I then spent the next 18mths alone. I would try to date but my ex would scare everyone off. I only had one friend as most had gone on my ex husbands side. I had so much hope that one day i would meet someone who would treat me well and fall in love with my boys. ONe day i got chatting on myspace to a guy, we spoke for months but he lived in melbourne so never thought we would meet.. he was just a sounding board for me..then one day i went to see my cousin in melb.. met up with him.. and fell in love. For six months we flew back and forth to each other then one day he called me said im quitting my job and coming up to you. We moved in together and things were wonderful for awhile. I then fell pregnant to my third child, my daughter Isabella

While i was pregnant i would ask my partner to do things for me to help out.. cook for boys, help me with housework and so forth. He didnt want to as he felt that was all "my job". One night i had terrible agonising pains and knew something was wrong, i asked my partner to call a ambulance he wouldnt as he felt i was overreacting( in his defence i had always been a person who would have some sort of aches or pains or another) anyway he eventually took me and bella was born 6 weeks early due to scar rupture. SHe spent 6 weeks in hospital and that was a very stressful time, spending all day up the hospital hardly seeing my boys.. my partner would come with me some of the time but wouldnt stay all day like me.. WHen bella finally came home she caught a few sicknesses and barely slept, to say the household was stressful would be a understatement. One day when my partner had left for work i was on the computer and came across a email he had sent to my best friend. They were sleeping together:( I confronted him and silly me thought for some reason i could say.. dont u ever see her again etc.. but it didnt go that way. He said he loved her and kicked me out. I called my father to come get me and the kids and i went back to my home town and moved back in with my parents:( That was a very hard time .. over the next few months my partner started coming back to me. Had gotten sick of my best friend, missed me and the kids, was very remorseful. Over the next six months i got my own place and car and started re buying myself furniture.. again!..and we started working things out. After those six months he moved back in. Things were good over the next few years, not perfect as we always had some issues, but i loved him and our little family.Fast forward a couple of years and we start talking getting married .. hes not super into it as hes never seen the big deal on marriage but started saying he would do it for me and the kids. We bought a ring together and i was waiting for the proposal. This time last year i fell pregnant with my fourth child, it was one year earlier than we had planned but we both wanted this fourth and last child. A few months into my pregnancy my partner started getting distant. He had gotten a new job with young people, it was in a different town, and he started to go out alot. It then led to him staying down there some nights, being secretive with his phone etc. One morning i saw he had been talking to a girl and he said to her that he had never loved me:( while i knew at times we had issues, i never thought that was the case. He had always said he loved me. From then on there was a lot of fighting, him saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore.. eventually it led to him saying he wanted out. He swore there was noone else. Being pregnant.. and too my fourth.. and this being the second time i would have to go through a big break up like this.. and to my kids.. i was so heartbroken. One day about 2 weeks beforei was due to have my baby he confessed he was in love with another girl, and they had been together the past 6 mths. I was a absoloute mess .. losing someone i loved, the betrayal of cheating again, feeling so bad for the children. My daughter bella was missing her dad alot, i was stressing about this baby not knowing him as he wouldnt be around much..So 2 weeks later i had my fourth and last child Evie

The day we were to bring her home, my ex parter told me that the girl he loved had cheated on him and it was over. He was a MESS, talking about wanting to die, feeling so terrible for what he did to me and the kids, he didnt eat anything for days. I felt for him as i loved him and couldnt help myself. I helped him through that rough time, i put aside my baby blues feelings, my own feelings on the cheating, i was having breastfeeding issues and recovering from a csection. I did it caus i loved him and he was the father of my girls, and no matter what he has done i know he is a good person.. who has done bad things to me. Eventually we started talking about getting back together and seeing if we could work through it. One of the reasons i agreed was for the girls .. and i had no idea how i would do 4 children alone. Things were good for a little while then he started back up with going out. Talking with girls online( apparently just friends?!?!) and i started to pick at him alot. I felt he wasnt doing enough to help us.. he was stressing me out making me worry...and then when evie was 3 mths.. he decided he had had enough and was leaving. I was so mad, disappointed, sad, betrayed. I felt he should of given it more time, put more effort in, not mucked the kids around so much in a short period. Anyway so now im up to date. He is staying at a friends while he saves for a new place. Its now been nearly 2 weeks ive been alone here with the kids. Im struggling emotionally, financially, physically. Im finding it so hard to keep up with all the kids and give them individual time. Evie is a difficult bub, bella is acting out because of all the change she has been through in past few months, starting school moving house dad leaving evie being born..dylan is being bullied at school and brayden has aspergers and as he reaches puberty the anger side to it is getting worse.I also have a broken heart, my trust in guys has been shattered. I feel so sad that im about to turn 31 and am all alone with 4 children. Who will ever want me with the baggage i have? All iever wanted in life was this family.. a mum a dad the kids.. spoil them with what i couldnt have growing up..So thats whats been going on with me.. well some of it anyway! Ill be coming here to let out my daily ...whatever! maybe sometimes it will be the happy moments, the hard moments.. a vent .. anything. If i dont let out all these things going through my head ill explode! For whoeever read through that essay.. Thank you!!! Im sure it was all rambles and full of spelling mistakes but thats how i roll!! :) xo